Something About You

I like you. Much more than a friend. And I cant hold it anymore, I was holding it since october. You know at first I wasn't expecting for it to be this big, I had some crushes and they were like a week long. But not with you, oh no.

At first it wasnt like 'I have a crush'. It was just you know 'he's so cute I want to kiss him for real and hold his hand and tell him he's cute and lovely and make him blush'. And yeah I was tweeting about that with '*' instead of the name because I needed to get it out and I didn't fucking know you were reading them. So when you asked me 'hey who's that person you tweeting about', I panicked and made up someone and you gave me support and I was like 'goddamn bitch is so nice'.

You have to understand that I still didn't feel jealous or anything, it was just like when you are at the party and you see someone real hot and I need to make out with this person. But for my own safety I decided to step back for a while.

But then it was worse. Cause time went on and okay, I didn't think about you until I don't even know what happened, but I was like goddd I miss talking to you. So I started writing you those good morning messages and it was amazing cause you were making my whole day better, and I was just sometimes so happy to wake up and check my phone and see a notification from you. I think that was my worst idea. Cause you became part of my daily routine and you just like got into my life, like you always belonged in there and I wanted to talk you all the time, and I started falling for you. I didn't plan that, you know. I thought I'm okay, I just wanted to talk to you more and come back to being friends cause you were and still are one of the most important people in my life and I always felt so good after talking to you.

You have to understand that I didn't feel jealous for that girl you were texting all the time or spending your nights with, or anyone else cause I thought wouldn't do anything about it anyway. You know I only cried like the whole night when you wouldn't respond for the first time. And I think I got to know then what heartbreak is and I realized that I love you. And I realized that love is so, so painful. 

But I kept on pretending that it didn't hurt to see you smile and laugh with her and hug her. It was like I'm jealous and I accept that, you broke my heart once, you broke it then later so many times that I stopped counting but okay. If you like her, then be with her. And you know I thought that it's gonna disappear, the pain for seeing you with her. People were always saying that they healed from unrequited love in a few months or weeks but it was still going. And I still wanted to talk to you, and I still did even if you sometimes left me on read or ignored me which hurt, but now I realized that I was too much. I'm always kinda too clingy and I'm really sorry for that. It's obvious you wouldn't want to talk me everyday cause you weren't in love with me.

I was really miserable, cause I never loved anyone like that before, I can easily say that you're my first love. I knew that you didn't love me, it was obvious.

I was kinda okay back then, kinda in denial about my feelings but then we were talking and I called you pretty and maybe you don't even remember but you blushed. And oh god, it was so pretty and oh god I was so fucked, right? And it was so nice to talk to you without anybody else and to just be with you and you know the photos don't really show how pretty you are, they don't show how when you smile, your whole face smiles and they don't show the way you talk and how I could listen to you for hours and it wouldn't be enough, and just you. They don't show you.

I was still pretty much in love with you and I tried to hold it all in, really. I thought okay, he doesn't love you, right? He stopped calling you that nickname, he was still talking about his crush and all. But it started feeling different with the crush cause now every little interaction you brought up I felt that little pain in my heart. And then you started sending me those posts on insta and oh god, they make my whole day, I love them so much. So I stepped back again, I was feeling kinda low and wanted some space for myself. But do you know why I needed it? Yeah exactly, your crush. I wanted space from that, from you. How could I stop loving someone like you?

And it's too much too hold. Too many feelings, too much jealousy, too many heartbreaks. I just love you. And I know you don't love me but I don't think it's possible for me to stop loving you cause I tried and I always fail.

I still want to be your friend, cause I don't want to lose you. I won't lie that I hope those feelings will go away cause I know the truth. And I don't want you to feel sorry for me or anything, I wanted things to stay just like they were. But I had to tell you. Cause I love you, and I love you too much, I can't hold it in anymore.