Trapped In Wonderland

I’m convinced that what hurts us the most in life is lack of clarity. It’s the not having closure, always wondering, being confused part of the bad things that happen to us that destroys us. 

Love, Here goes nothing. I’m going to spill my heart out in this open-letter. You won’t see this anyway, no one will actually (except my very few followers).

Your relationship with yourself is the only one worth going out of your way to preserve. Because sometimes people tell you they’ll always be there for you and a week later they’re telling you to have a nice life. Then you’ll feel stupid about the time you put their feelings above your own when they don’t care about hurting you at all.

  It’s easy. I’ll put it like this: I never want to go back there, but you made me love it somehow. I remember. I remember. When we were kids and you were spinning me in the field next to our little school and you said, “how long until we leave?”. I replied, “we?”.  

I still think back on us. Months later. Almost 6 months to be exact since we last spoke or saw each other. I still think of everything.

You can't quiet a racing mind, filled with all the most hurrendous of thoughts. 

When Angels of Darkness and Light Fall

People come and go as they please. That’s a fact. And that’s why we have doors - so we have a say in who we let in. We should have mental and emotional doors too. Because when something is a fact, and when it plays out, you can’t blame it on people.

"He used to admire me from afar..." she said tirelessly, "...but, then he decided to disturb my heart." She had no idea, that she will be captured in such a short span of time. She hadn't forgotten what it feels like to let someone finally stay inside her heart. 

It didn’t dawn on me until I laid down an hour ago. I had distracted myself all day but deep in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was off. I shrugged it off though and I laughed and danced around, happy as a bird in the spring. But then I laid down to sleep and that notification went off…

I like you. Much more than a friend. And I cant hold it anymore, I was holding it since october. You know at first I wasn't expecting for it to be this big, I had some crushes and they were like a week long. But not with you, oh no.

It's weird, isn't it? How you can fall in love with someone at the most unexpected time and it be the most unexpected person. You can fall in love with someone that isn't your ideal Prince Charming or White Knight. Weird how that is. 

Been going through a lot lately. Have had a lot of ups and downs. Through the breakup of a 6 year relationship, lose of friends, bad family news, and general mental health issues - I was feeling really down. But on the bright side, I'm going back to school for my GED and then to become a guard at the prison. I'm going to hopefully get my license back soon as well and get a vehicle of my own. Been working out and doing a lot of self care. My mental health is better and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have my downs but they aren't like they used to be. I'm not suicidal anymore. I've got an amazing support group of my God like case workers and a few close friends. I've learned to not let people walk over me and treat me like shit. I've learned to not be or tolerate being manipulated or lied to and used.

I'm done with never being good enough. I'm done with getting hurt. I'm done with seeing everyone falling in love happily, but me. I'm done with feeling like the worst. I'm done with crying myself to sleep. I'm done with faking a smile. I'm done with being strong. I'm done with being the ugly friend. I'm done with your mixed signals. I'm done with being good enough to fuck, but not good enough for a relationship. I'm done with falling in love so easily. I'm done with this sadness. I'm done with getting ignored. I'm done with being me. I'm done with this life.  I mean all of this, but I still know nothing will ever change. 

Everyone always says that I'm beautiful or intelligent. Or the many variations of those words. But because of my upbringing, I don't see those things. I see a very damaged, broken, depressed, hideous monster. And I don't say that to get compliments. I say that because that's my truth. I just want you to understand, so here's some of my checkered past.

You and I are in the kitchen. It’s storming outside. We watch the snow come down so hard that it blankets everything in seconds. The reflection of the indoor light off the snow is beautiful, sparkly. We are making cinnamon rolls in our underwear, fuzzy socks, and oversized sweaters. We dance to music only we can hear and kiss. But somehow that isn't enough. We sway in the moonlight after we shut the lights off. Wait on the timer to go off. We were supposed to make frosting but instead we're making out. Your hands wrapped around me. Why can't it go back to that? How I would give anything to relive that moment or experience it all over again for the first time.

We spoke endlessly about everything and nothing. Now, I cannot even remember the sound of your voice. The outside air shivered in visible vapors of exhales with the end of february chill. A crescent moon waning and distant, eclipsing mars shadows of maroon left over. A glimpse of spirits emboldened, blur into orion’s belt, held up scintillating a message to betelguese, an apparition of a missing heart becoming an illusion  becoming a flyaway thought

I wish it could be just like always, when we laughed and talked and you smiled at what I said. I wish it can be just like always, cause that's what it should be. I wish you were with me.

Here we are, eyes glued to the ground. You sniffle sadly, trying to force a smile. Maybe we can be friends instead. Sure, maybe I reply halfheartedly, but can anything replace love once it’s dead? They say only the hurt would hurt, in turn, the ones they love but I was not so hurt that I could not see that which I inflicted - I did it anyway. It is only in the hurt that we feel at home. We are wounded children, unloved and unloving. I pray I can someday unlove you.

I just wish you never meant this much to me. Just so I don’t have to think of what you do, or what you feel, or who you’re with, or what you think about. I just wish you never meant so much just so I don’t keep wasting my time caring.