Trapped In Wonderland

- You see me and you think I’m dark, bold, secretive and harsh because I wear black and I keep to myself and I study everything, all of the time. But you don’t know that I’m just waiting for the right people to set me free from the gravity I’ve placed on myself. That my favorite color is yellow because it makes me feel light and warm and free. 

Sometimes I wonder if the memories of us will ever stop haunting me, like neverending whispers of a previous life. A life filled with happiness and peace and love. Or maybe I'm just remembering it all wrong. Maybe the happiness I'm remembering is construed and twisted. Maybe that happiness is the way my life was before I met you.

Let's give in and be together. But if we have gone backwards, before everything, that would mean I'm gonna fall for you all over again, right? Technically? Even though I already love you. I don't mind that. I just hope I don't shatter like I did before. 

I remember it. I remember it all. The first time our eyes met, my world changed. On day one, you told me not to take constructive criticisms seriously and that we don’t deserve anything less. You said you believe in me and that I have talents and potentials or maybe more. Day by day, I felt like a brand new me because I am learning a lot from you.

It's weird, isn't it? How you can fall in love with someone at the most unexpected time and it be the most unexpected person. You can fall in love with someone that isn't your ideal Prince Charming or White Knight. Weird how that is. 

Each day it gets easier without you, Not seeing you or talking. Now I still miss you, Always will. I'll still wanna talk and be friends, But can we after everything? All the late night talks, The smiles and laughs, The kisses like no other, The sex can't compare to another. You'll always have a special spot in my heart.

Your mouth smiles in this way. I can’t describe it. I can’t. Lord knows, I want to, but I can’t. Besides, who would I describe it to anyways?

There are days when I crave someone's hug. And most of the days I crave real happiness and love. I don't know why I feel so empty and blank. And I don't share these to my friends because I know how miniscule and selfish it is.

You share a home with the one whom your soul chose along with your offspring created in the early spring of your young love. Once the morning dew has left, the fog of new love has dicipated and the cool evenings turn to humid nights things begin to change.

Been going through a lot lately. Have had a lot of ups and downs. Through the breakup of a 6 year relationship, lose of friends, bad family news, and general mental health issues - I was feeling really down. But on the bright side, I'm going back to school for my GED and then to become a guard at the prison. I'm going to hopefully get my license back soon as well and get a vehicle of my own. Been working out and doing a lot of self care. My mental health is better and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have my downs but they aren't like they used to be. I'm not suicidal anymore. I've got an amazing support group of my God like case workers and a few close friends. I've learned to not let people walk over me and treat me like shit. I've learned to not be or tolerate being manipulated or lied to and used.

I'm done with never being good enough. I'm done with getting hurt. I'm done with seeing everyone falling in love happily, but me. I'm done with feeling like the worst. I'm done with crying myself to sleep. I'm done with faking a smile. I'm done with being strong. I'm done with being the ugly friend. I'm done with your mixed signals. I'm done with being good enough to fuck, but not good enough for a relationship. I'm done with falling in love so easily. I'm done with this sadness. I'm done with getting ignored. I'm done with being me. I'm done with this life.  I mean all of this, but I still know nothing will ever change. 

You and I are in the kitchen. It’s storming outside. We watch the snow come down so hard that it blankets everything in seconds. The reflection of the indoor light off the snow is beautiful, sparkly. We are making cinnamon rolls in our underwear, fuzzy socks, and oversized sweaters. We dance to music only we can hear and kiss. But somehow that isn't enough. We sway in the moonlight after we shut the lights off. Wait on the timer to go off. We were supposed to make frosting but instead we're making out. Your hands wrapped around me. Why can't it go back to that? How I would give anything to relive that moment or experience it all over again for the first time.

We spoke endlessly about everything and nothing. Now, I cannot even remember the sound of your voice. The outside air shivered in visible vapors of exhales with the end of february chill. A crescent moon waning and distant, eclipsing mars shadows of maroon left over. A glimpse of spirits emboldened, blur into orion’s belt, held up scintillating a message to betelguese, an apparition of a missing heart becoming an illusion  becoming a flyaway thought

I wish it could be just like always, when we laughed and talked and you smiled at what I said. I wish it can be just like always, cause that's what it should be. I wish you were with me.

Here we are, eyes glued to the ground. You sniffle sadly, trying to force a smile. Maybe we can be friends instead. Sure, maybe I reply halfheartedly, but can anything replace love once it’s dead? They say only the hurt would hurt, in turn, the ones they love but I was not so hurt that I could not see that which I inflicted - I did it anyway. It is only in the hurt that we feel at home. We are wounded children, unloved and unloving. I pray I can someday unlove you.

I just wish you never meant this much to me. Just so I don’t have to think of what you do, or what you feel, or who you’re with, or what you think about. I just wish you never meant so much just so I don’t keep wasting my time caring.

This hit hard and deep for me.  Credits to  sjlwrites  on Tumblr

I miss you. I miss the smell you had. I miss the way you'd stand beside me, or the way you'd lay. I miss your laughter, always light and airy - like you've never suffered or endured pain before. I miss your touch - how gentle but firm, soft but not. I miss your voice, deep and calming. I miss you. I miss holding you, laughing with you, talking to you. I miss you. Oh I miss you so much.

Today, I did not wake up with that glow in my eyes. They say I will, once wounds have healed and my hands have picked up all my broken pieces. Well, I guess I am not there just yet. But one thing is for sure: now, I know better. 

After a while of being holed up in the darkness of your own making, you become numb to everything that happens around you. Good news are only good as long as it takes you to realise that they pave the way to more bad news.