Healing, Slowly.
I made a playlist of the songs that reminds me of what it used to be and by judging the songs it has, I know that for both of us, it was love. Altogether, it was joy, longing, passion and even the feeling that butterflies give. I loved you more. I loved you more that I loved us. I loved you more than I loved myself. I loved you more than you loved me. We were something beautiful and something tragic. Maybe I was too poetic about everything that life threw something almost the same as my poems and metaphors. And ironically, even though it burned me to ashes, I am grateful. It still hurts; knowing how someone else and I overlapped, of how easy it was for you to leave and go on, and how it will never be the same for us again. But I do not wish for moments when you suddenly knock on my door to beg for forgiveness until I take you back, not anymore. I know better. I just hope that one day, I can get that glow in my eyes as I leave all the pain in my sleep just like how she said.
One of the hardest things to grasp about time is that it cannot be lived in reverse. We do not get to go back to certain moments, and after a while, even the memory of those moments starts to disappear. And it isn’t until you come across a photo or someone mentions that moment that you forget what it felt like. I think we tend to forget to be aware of these moments because we’re blinded by a thought or an idea, that may not even be true. Or maybe it’s half truth and that “gut feeling” you get isn’t particularly accurate like they say it is. Whatever the science of overthinking is, I think we tend to subconsciously slip into a mindset all because of things we see and how our chemicals manifest the thoughts we have. And I guess in the process of letting go, we tend to live in a sense of reverse because our minds are asking how we got here, whilst replaying every moment over and over until it’s so faded we can’t even tell if we’re remembering it correctly. I think we can overthink ourselves into situations we don’t want because of the false accusations our minds give us. And I guess what I’m trying to say is that my process of letting go has been all bullshit, ya know? Acting like you’re over it is not the same thing as being over it. Our minds are vast things and within that, we struggle to confront the demons we have staring back at us. Now looking back, maybe if I was more open and honest, or maybe if I overlooked my own self inflicted laziness, we may not be in the position that we’re in. And that position is us loving other people. I was so self critical and self reliant that I never actually let you in because I didn’t trust that you could love someone like me. And after all this time, I’m finally starting to understand that while it isn’t all my fault, maybe I pushed you to do things that you knew I wouldn’t agree with as a cry for my attention. Or maybe you’re just as hypocritical as you made me out to be. Or maybe we were just a stepping stone of chaos before the rest of our lives started. I kept bullshitting everyone, even myself, that I was past this. And even now, knowing that I cannot live in reverse and undo the things that are done, I am longing to press rewind. What would I be rewinding though? We had more negative encounters then we had positive, but even in the negative I was so madly in love with you and those are the moments I so desperately want to go back to. I think that understanding now that I will have to consciously move forward everyday, this is where the real challenge begins. I’m just now understanding that I have let go. I don’t know where to begin but a proper unsent goodbye letter seems like the way to go. I wouldn’t want to interrupt our new lives. It’s too late for us. There are no more one mores. And if you should ever stumble across this, know that wherever we are, whomever we’ve become, I will never forget us. If we should ever cross paths again, I hope you don’t cross the street.
