Trapped In Wonderland

Life might sometimes feel too much.  The empty wallet, the peer pressure, the stress, the daily routine, the horrors around us, the struggle to just survive, let alone be able to live. 

Some lessons I have learned throughout the years dealing with depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. I hope these small lessons will help you as they have helped me.  If the people you thought you could count on, disappoint you and aren’t there for you through the good and bad, through the easy and hard times, you can say goodbye. Let them leave. Other people will show up. Not everything is how it seems, you never see the full picture. Keep that in mind before judging, because most people don’t share the pain they go through.   You might have built walls to protect yourself, but they can also trap you. Don’t let them keep you from being vulnerable. There is value in being able to be hurt.   Being human means breaking, breaking over and over again. I don’t really know if it ever ends.    When you do break, when you fall apart, let others catch you. Don’t be afraid to trust others. You never have to be alone in your suffering.   Sometimes you ...

People come and go as they please. That’s a fact. And that’s why we have doors - so we have a say in who we let in. We should have mental and emotional doors too. Because when something is a fact, and when it plays out, you can’t blame it on people. You can only blame yourself for being ignorant. 

I call myself a writer but all I've ever written were elegies for the love I used to feel for you but died tragically. It died tragically after you left me with open wounds that won't mend; bruised me with words way too abusive, they make me shake uncontrollably even now. 

Been having a lot on my mind lately. From simple stuff to complex. Been feeling a lot of different ways. I miss the way things used to be. When we were careless and carefree. When life was simpler than it seemed. Now, it’s all dark and gloomy. Ever since you left.

He used to admire me from afar but, then he decided to disturb my heart.

Darkness all along. Darkness who listens, darkness what eats, darkness when needed, darkness where feeds, darkness whose my friend, darkness whom I've been. 

- You see me and you think I’m dark, bold, secretive and harsh because I wear black and I keep to myself and I study everything, all of the time. But you don’t know that I’m just waiting for the right people to set me free from the gravity I’ve placed on myself. That my favorite color is yellow because it makes me feel light and warm and free. 

Sometimes I wonder if the memories of us will ever stop haunting me, like neverending whispers of a previous life. A life filled with happiness and peace and love. Or maybe I'm just remembering it all wrong. Maybe the happiness I'm remembering is construed and twisted. Maybe that happiness is the way my life was before I met you.

Let's give in and be together. But if we have gone backwards, before everything, that would mean I'm gonna fall for you all over again, right? Technically? Even though I already love you. I don't mind that. I just hope I don't shatter like I did before. 

I remember it. I remember it all. The first time our eyes met, my world changed. On day one, you told me not to take constructive criticisms seriously and that we don’t deserve anything less. You said you believe in me and that I have talents and potentials or maybe more. Day by day, I felt like a brand new me because I am learning a lot from you.

It's weird, isn't it? How you can fall in love with someone at the most unexpected time and it be the most unexpected person. You can fall in love with someone that isn't your ideal Prince Charming or White Knight. Weird how that is. 

Each day it gets easier without you, Not seeing you or talking. Now I still miss you, Always will. I'll still wanna talk and be friends, But can we after everything? All the late night talks, The smiles and laughs, The kisses like no other, The sex can't compare to another. You'll always have a special spot in my heart.

Your mouth smiles in this way. I can’t describe it. I can’t. Lord knows, I want to, but I can’t. Besides, who would I describe it to anyways?

There are days when I crave someone's hug. And most of the days I crave real happiness and love. I don't know why I feel so empty and blank. And I don't share these to my friends because I know how miniscule and selfish it is.

You share a home with the one whom your soul chose along with your offspring created in the early spring of your young love. Once the morning dew has left, the fog of new love has dicipated and the cool evenings turn to humid nights things begin to change.

Been going through a lot lately. Have had a lot of ups and downs. Through the breakup of a 6 year relationship, lose of friends, bad family news, and general mental health issues - I was feeling really down. But on the bright side, I'm going back to school for my GED and then to become a guard at the prison. I'm going to hopefully get my license back soon as well and get a vehicle of my own. Been working out and doing a lot of self care. My mental health is better and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have my downs but they aren't like they used to be. I'm not suicidal anymore. I've got an amazing support group of my God like case workers and a few close friends. I've learned to not let people walk over me and treat me like shit. I've learned to not be or tolerate being manipulated or lied to and used.

I'm done with never being good enough. I'm done with getting hurt. I'm done with seeing everyone falling in love happily, but me. I'm done with feeling like the worst. I'm done with crying myself to sleep. I'm done with faking a smile. I'm done with being strong. I'm done with being the ugly friend. I'm done with your mixed signals. I'm done with being good enough to fuck, but not good enough for a relationship. I'm done with falling in love so easily. I'm done with this sadness. I'm done with getting ignored. I'm done with being me. I'm done with this life.  I mean all of this, but I still know nothing will ever change. 

Everyone always says that I'm beautiful or intelligent. Or the many variations of those words. But because of my upbringing, I don't see those things. I see a very damaged, broken, depressed, hideous monster. And I don't say that to get compliments. I say that because that's my truth. I just want you to understand, so here's some of my checkered past.

You and I are in the kitchen. It’s storming outside. We watch the snow come down so hard that it blankets everything in seconds. The reflection of the indoor light off the snow is beautiful, sparkly. We are making cinnamon rolls in our underwear, fuzzy socks, and oversized sweaters. We dance to music only we can hear and kiss. But somehow that isn't enough. We sway in the moonlight after we shut the lights off. Wait on the timer to go off. We were supposed to make frosting but instead we're making out. Your hands wrapped around me. Why can't it go back to that? How I would give anything to relive that moment or experience it all over again for the first time.