Wonder
Nowadays it's getting more and more difficult to tell the difference between how life was before I met you and while you were in it. Seems like the memories are out of order and haphazardly strewn about. It's bizarre how time will do that to you, even when I'm always thinking about you and reliving memories of us together.
I've got to applaud you though; regardless of what happened, and didn't happen, between us. You were always someone I could lean against and you always held me up, no matter how heavy I got. You were always there and put me first, even though you had your own life to live. Maybe that's why we bonded so magnificently and so fast. It seemed like we were two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. Our souls blazed together in a way that souls rarely blaze.
I remember telling myself when I first met you that I cannot and should not fall for you. That you were nothing but trouble and that you'd never truly be all mine. But I remember the exact moment I did and I knew that I was totally fucked.
It was one of the first nights we spent together. We were slow dancing in your living room, our arms wrapped around each other as we swayed back and forth to the melody of soft jazz playing through your stereo system. It was perfect. Priceless. And when you leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Honey, I think I'm falling for you", that was when the realization of me being in love with you hit me harder than a dumptruck ever could. And in that moment I knew I was screwed. I knew that you were going to shatter my heart, it was only a matter of time.
Months went by. We texted and called each other all the time when we weren't together. We talked about everything and anything. We told each other our deepest desires and secrets. We knew everything there was to know about each other and more.
But then the day came. The day you shattered my world. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it's been months since then now. We were laying down, curled up into each other. You held me closely and told me in shaky words, "we can't do this anymore.". My breathe caught in my chest, tears instantly stung my eyes and rained down my cheeks as you pulled me closer to you, trying to console me. Hoping that your arms around me would lessen the blow. But oh it did not. Not even a little bit. And in that moment, I felt my entire world dissolve into dust and blow away in the wind, leaving me feeling empty and lost.
I didn't go to work for a few days after that. Didn't even properly call out. Which you understood, after all you were my boss. You texted me for days after, checking to see if I was okay. I ignored you. Why would you even care? If you'd truly cared you'd have never broken me.
Things changed for us then. We started growing apart and communicating only when we absolutely had to at work. We did everything we could to avoid each other for about a week. Then we happened to be in the freezer at the same time one morning, me helping you to unload and put up the truck. You gave me this look, a combination of regret and desire. Suddenly I was against the racking, your hands gripping my waist and your warm lips against mine. It seemed like, in that moment, that we never broke things off or our actions the previous week never even happened at all.
I know at some point, either in that moment or the dozens we shared just like it afterwards, that you realized we'd never be able to stay away from each other or keep our hands to ourselves. It was impossible for either of us. That's when we both realized just how dangerous we were for each other. That no matter what was going on in our lives or who we were supposedly in a relationship with, we'd always take every and any chance we could to fuck and spend time together.
And as I look back fondly and replay all the memories of us, I realize that I will always love you. I will always care about you. Even though we don't talk anymore and haven't for 2 months, I'd still be happy if you reached out to me. And oh how I miss spending time with you. Or maybe I don't truly miss you anymore, I just miss the way you made me feel. The carefree, careless, weightless delight I always experienced when we were together. No. I don't miss you. Not anymore.
