Trapped In Wonderland

  A promise can be poison. 

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing. 

He put his arms around her and drew her close, the word goodbye already on his tongue, but not quite out of his mouth. Holding her like this felt natural, like this was exactly how it was supposed to be. 

I don’t know if I am becoming better, focussing on what’s important in life, or just trying to distract myself from loving you more, I mean I have no idea. 

Over the years, I scattered secrets and parts of me like seeds and waited for them to take root. It wasn't something I did on purpose. It was only when months had passed that I noticed a dozen new flowers fighting their way through the concrete, and I failed to realise they were all mine. 

Your presence was the only constant I’d ever had in life and you know how it goes when we take things for granted. I’d never say I did, because there was never a time when I was not grateful for you. Never a time that I was not happy to have you on my side. 

One day, you’ll remember the girl who loved you so much that she forgot to love herself. You’ll remember her when you wake up, when you eat, when you’re about to sleep. She will be your greatest nightmare. You will be the one crying, and she will be the one happy with someone else.        

I’m usually so good with words, but falling for you is like having an ocean inside of me but only knowing the language of raindrops. It’s like waking up and falling asleep and wishing your breath was on my cheek. It’s like driving home and craving you so deeply I can hardly breathe without shattering my lungs. 

Singular stars stippled densely over the vast skies of this lonely night in Manchester, the hustle and bustle of the populous attraction points weren’t really my thing, done it, seen it, so there’s no point. Committing to this same routine every night drains me of the sentimentality; but that’s all I have left of myself, and I don’t wanna lose it, it’s a comfort thing, all I’ve ever known. From a personal point of view, there’s something truly enchanting and sophisticated about emptiness, a theory of essentially nothing. Choosing emptiness over depression and his little relics is something I would do any day, just to slip away from the pain.

You‘ll regret it, you know. Not trying harder to make it work. You probably think she didn’t notice, but oh, she did from the very beginning. She picked up on your nervous habits the first time you met. 

I  remember the first time I saw you, it was a hot summer day. The sun was beautiful and bright, but it set more quickly than I realized. I remember your eyes, they were the first thing I noticed. Maybe even the first part of you that I fell for.  In those beautiful orbs I saw universes, possibilities, and a potentially connection. I wondered what your eyes would look like if they truly saw me, but I was shy so I didn’t speak. I remember winter, and the way I shivered before I saw you. You looked different, and I couldn’t help but wonder why. The light was no longer in your eyes. You still smiled when you saw me, but I couldn’t help but notice how quickly you looked away.  I talked this time; I promise myself I would. Words slipped out of my mouth like snowflakes, and melted on your indifferent skin. Stupid. Everything gets colder in the winter, I can’t blame you for being colder too. Next fall I watched the leafs drift away, and I wondered how you were doing. If you were...

Been having a lot on my mind lately. From simple stuff to complex. Been feeling a lot of different ways. I miss the way things used to be. When we were careless and carefree. When life was simpler than it seemed. Now, it’s all dark and gloomy. Ever since you left.

  I know you won’t check this for a very long time, so now is a good time for me to get some feelings and thoughts out in the open.

I still think back on us. Months later. Almost 6 months to be exact since we last spoke or saw each other. I still think of everything.

You can't quiet a racing mind, filled with all the most hurrendous of thoughts. 

He used to admire me from afar but, then he decided to disturb my heart.

Darkness all along. Darkness who listens, darkness what eats, darkness when needed, darkness where feeds, darkness whose my friend, darkness whom I've been. 

It didn’t dawn on me until I laid down an hour ago. I had distracted myself all day but deep in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was off. I shrugged it off though and I laughed and danced around, happy as a bird in the spring. But then I laid down to sleep and that notification went off…

- You see me and you think I’m dark, bold, secretive and harsh because I wear black and I keep to myself and I study everything, all of the time. But you don’t know that I’m just waiting for the right people to set me free from the gravity I’ve placed on myself. That my favorite color is yellow because it makes me feel light and warm and free. 

Sometimes I wonder if the memories of us will ever stop haunting me, like neverending whispers of a previous life. A life filled with happiness and peace and love. Or maybe I'm just remembering it all wrong. Maybe the happiness I'm remembering is construed and twisted. Maybe that happiness is the way my life was before I met you.