It's Weird, Isn't It?

It's weird, isn't it? How you can fall in love with someone at the most unexpected time and it be the most unexpected person. You can fall in love with someone that isn't your ideal Prince Charming or White Knight. Weird how that is. 

I didn't know what love truly was until I met you. It didn't take me long to fall for you. Well, it was more like jumping off a very high cliff rather than falling. You are nothing like I imagined my Prince Charming to be. But I guess that's why I was so shocked and still am. It's weird how one day you can be laughing and joking around about something ordinary and look up and realize, 'oh shit, I'm in love'. That's how it happened for me. We were laughing and playing around at work and you reached for my hand, our fingers interlocked and I looked up at you and when my heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my lungs, that's when I knew I'd fallen for you. And oh boy, I fell so hard and so fast that I couldn't have stopped it if I tried to. And I didn't want to anyways. It took me less than 2 months to fall for you. 

And from the moment we first met we spent every night on the phone, talking about anything and everything, even though we should have been sleeping. You'd always pick me up for work and bring me home. How I treasured those car rides, singing along to our favorite songs. We had our own playlist too, always added more songs to it that we both liked. We'd sing and hold hands some days, others we would talk and hold hands, and sometimes we didn't say a word but we always held hands no matter what. 

We didn't need to talk all the time. Our souls had such a deep connection, entwined like vines, that we could always tell if something was wrong with each other, or what the other was thinking. And oh, how we'd steal kisses at work when no one was looking or around. Or take long drives at night, no destination in mind and nowhere to be. How we layed in your bed, staring up at the ceiling, our bodies wrapped up together, talking about our pasts, our futures, our stressors, and everything else. You shared parts of yourself with me that you haven't shared with anyone else, and the same goes for me. We explored places together than neither of us has ever been and done things together we've never done before. We were each other's worlds. Everything we did revolved around the other, in some way, shape, or form. 

How I miss those nights and days. Seemed like back then that it would never end. But it did and has. I miss sitting on your porch, your arm wrapped around me and my head buried in your shoulder as we look up at the stars and point out the constellations and planes and anomalies in the sky. How I miss playing with your dogs and them laying on my lap and licking my face with kisses while you laugh. How I miss singing songs and dancing to them with you in your living room, kitchen, or front porch. How I miss the hour long phone calls (even though I would rather be eaten mercilessly by a dinosaur than be in a phone call, but you made those calls so easy) where we just bullshitted around or talked about serious stuff. How I miss telling jokes and laughing with you, like we'd never felt sadness before and we didn't care about anything else in the entire world but each other. I miss being there when you had a rough day and would vent to me and needed a hug or a kiss. How I miss seeing your family, even though you never met mine.

And oh, I'll never forget the two times you saved my life. How quickly you rushed to get to me, even though you had been busy with family. And you'll never know just how much that means to me and always will mean to me. Saddens me to know I'll never be able to return the favor, how ill always be in your debt for that. Oh, how I miss you so.

But I guess you're going to fall in love with someone that your soul instantly connects with no matter what happens. And I do love you. Have for 7 months and I will continue to love you for a very long time, even though we are now strangers. I still care for you and no matter what happens, I'll always wish and pray that you are safe and happy and found/find someone that loves you as much as I do.

I would and did everything for you, no matter what it was or what time of day or night you asked. And if you asked me for something now, I'd do the same as before. You'll always have a place in my heart and mind, no matter what. And I'll always do whatever I can to help you and to see you smile.

We made the perfect couple. But I guess that's why we didn't last. We knew we were dangerous to be together, too much alike and couldn't keep our hands to ourselves around each other. We knew the other was trouble but we didn't care. You were so happy with me, you were your true self. We were carefree and careless, we felt like the world was ours. But that's a dangerous feeling, especially when you don't know how to deal with it. You didn't know how to deal with that feeling, or accept that I love you no matter what. You couldn't accept my love the way I needed you to, and you realized that way too late - after I'd already fallen for you and you had fallen for me.

I'll never forget the day you told me "we can't do this anymore, it's not a good idea". I will never forget the feeling that the whole world came to a stop and crumbled to dust. I'll never forget the tears in your eyes as your wiped the ones that had fallen down my face or the way you held me while I cried. I didn't understand at the time why you wanted it to end. But now I do understand, even though it doesn't hurt any less. We were never meant to be, we're too much alike and too much in love with each other and we never focused on anything but each other and you were scared of being in love. Especially with someone like me. We never did stop though. Never stopped texting all night long, stealing kisses or hugs when we could, or hanging out. And that's what made it difficult. We just couldn't stay away from each other long enough to truly break up. We always went running back, sometimes minutes and sometimes hours later. I can't count how many times we told each other "this is the end, it has to stop" but I do know that we said it a lot, but it took 4 months for it to happen.

February 7th, 2020 is the last day I saw you, spoke to you. I didn't even get to hug you or kiss you. I went into work hours early and found out it was your last day so I quit and left before you got fired. I couldn't stand to watch you get fired, knowing that it would absolutely - completely - without a doubt destroy me emotionally and mentally, it'd send me into a psychotic break. But I never told you that, never had the chance to.

I know that someday we may run into each other and I hope and I pray that you remember me and you speak to me. I hope you'll never forget me or the times we shared and memories I'll always cherish and hold dear to my heart. I'll never forget you. 

Sometimes I hope and pray that someday we'll get back together. That maybe we were meant to be but not at that time in our lives, like we weren't ready for each other yet. I do still believe in forever and happy endings because of you.

For such an epic tale, we deserved a better ending.