Last Time I'll Think of You
Love, being in love, isn’t a constant thing. It doesn’t always flow at the same strength. It’s not always like a river in flood. It’s more like the sea. It has tides, it ebbs and flows. The thing is, when love is real, whether it’s ebbing or flowing, it’s always there, it never goes away. And that’s the only proof you can have that it is real, and not just a crush or an infatuation or a passing fancy.
I am in love with someome who doesn’t love me back. You read about it a lot, and it happens often in movies. And you feel sorry for the person it happens to; you can imagine what they’re feeling and you sympathize. But I guess I never fully realized how painful it actually is. I spend every hour of every day thinking about someone who isn’t thinking about me. I keep hoping for a text from a person that doesn’t really care if I text him or not. I fantasize about a happy ending with someone who will never actually fall in love with me. I have this false hope that keeps me holding on for when he “maybe changes his mind”. But he never will. And yet I can’t stop thinking about him. I spend so much time on thinking about someone who’s never going to love me back. And no-one ever told me how fucking much that hurts.
Even more, I had never meant to love him. One thing I truly knew - knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest - was how love gave someone the power to break you.
I can’t see you anymore. I know you don’t feel about me the way I feel about you. And when you told me that, I told you that that was okay and that I wanted to keep seeing you but that I had to look out for myself. And I promised myself that I would. So this is me keeping that promise. This is me looking out for myself. Because if I don’t, who will? I realized there is no way out of this for me without getting my heart broken. I’ve dragged this on for too long already, thinking I was strong enough, thinking I could handle it when you would leave. But I have come to the conclusion that I am only hurting myself by seeing you again and again, because I’m getting my hopes up and I’m getting more attached to you every time. So I’ve decided that it’s better to just rip it off like a band-ait and end it quickly and quietly, now I still can. Because the more time we spend together, the more I am falling in love with you. And I know this is an unanswered love and it will break my heart.
I'm overwhelmed. I need you to lean on; but you're nowhere to be found. I was there for you, in your darkest time. Always fighting away the demons in your mind, reminding you how truly amazing you are. But yet again, here I am. Alone. When will I remember to watch out for myself before anyone else?
I think we were meant to be, we just found each other at the wrong time. Maybe it's coincidence or maybe it's fate but something always pulls us back to one another; we just mess it up. Either we're too scared to tell our feelings or we're too stubborn to admit when we're in the wrong but something - something causes a rift in our happiness. All I know for certain; you're meant to be in my life, whether that's as my friend, my lover or something entirely different, there will always be a space for you in my heart.
I think the thing is, I’m not hurt because I was in love with him and my heart got broken. I’m hurt because the fact that he doesn’t like me makes me feel like I am not good enough. He didn’t like me enough, and it sucks so much to hear that you weren’t good enough for someone. I’m constantly asking myself what I should’ve done differently to make him like me. But that doesn’t make sense because he should like me for me and if I do things differently, then that wouldn’t really be me. But this rejection fucking hurts. It's messed up my mind.
