Special Cravings

A normal day. At this point that’s all I crave. I’ll make it special. Let things go back to normal all over. Let me go back to work and meet my friends. Let it rain heavily this year but not as a threat - just friendly teasing. 

I’ll call you up when it’s 7 pm and time for me to leave the office. When it pours, it always makes me crave something hot and spicy. We’ll go try ramen at every restaurant in the city until we find our favourite one. Beer tastes colder when you’ve had a long day. We’ll sit there, talking about the books we’re reading. I’ll quickly remove mine from my bag and show you the passages I’ve highlighted. 

They will play your favourite song and I’ll sing along. On the table next to us someone will be celebrating their birthday. The server will bring a big, chocolate cake with sparklers on it and we all will sing happy birthday to this stranger we will never speak to. But we’ll sing it joyfully nonetheless. You’ll look at me and smile. 

You’ll ask, ‘Six months from your birthday. Isn’t it time to start planning?’ and I’ll kick you under the table. We’ll both laugh. As we walk out hours later on that seemingly normal weekday, I’ll tell you, ‘stop! let’s take a picture’. We’ll then smile and look like big goofs and our selfie will be blurry but happy. 

We’ll walk half way down the street before we remember, 'Shit! We forgot our umbrellas at the restaurant!’ That’s when it will start raining and we’ll not even try to run. We aren’t the kinds who want to hide from the rain - we welcome it. So we’ll walk slower back to the restaurant and I’ll complain about how I still haven’t found the perfect yellow umbrella. You’ll make a mental note of finding one for my birthday. 

By the time we reach the restaurant, we’ll be so drenched and cold that the idea of hot coffee will entice us back inside. You’ll take off your hoodie and I’ll roll up my sleeves. We’ll wipe our faces with the tissues on the table and take 7 minutes to figure out the right coffee. This time when we’re done, we’ll book a cab and tell the other, 'text me once you’re home’ and leave. 

I’ll go home feeling that happy dizzy you can only feel when you spend time with people close to your heart and when you have your life back like before - but this time you’ll know to appreciate it. I need to know. How much you care about me. It's not being petty or immature but I need to know. 

Why? Because I believe we have a pure connection. The one where you care about each other without any gain or benefit other than that you share that precious wholesomeness. The one where celebrating each other's wins and checking up on each other after a health scare comes naturally and is so obvious. 

Not something that you have to put on your task list or something that feels like an obligation. The love, the care, the worry...it all comes as a reflex like when you sing along to your favourite song or take a deep breath in the mountains in front of a stunning view. 

I need to know if you feel this way about us too or if it's only me because I am tired of being played the fool and used for other people's benefit - emotional, sexual, financial, and every other kind of benefit that exists without something given in return. Quid pro quo. 

See, understand this. I am not against relationships where there is a mutual material gain. I think those are smart and required. Like that study buddy who you help with math and who in return helps you with biology. Or that co-worker who brings you morning coffee and you cover their shift when they have an emergency. 

Then there are those relationship dynamics that aren't this obvious. You know the kind where I help you like yourself and feel more confident and you give me the best book recommendations. Such returns are not equal or rigid but there's something for each person involved. Don't tell me I'm cold or calculating because this is just a fact. 

I do believe in those pure, selfless relationships and honestly those are the ones I always crave and work towards. But what tends to happen is that the other person was milking me for their benefit all along while I kept thinking that we both feel only unconditional love for each other. I know they say that how you feel about someone should be independent of how they feel for you. That's how people glorify unrequited love and such. 

I for one believe that when you do that you're low on self-love. Or you feel a lot of things for a lot of people easily and fairly quickly. I take a lot of time and know in my bones that I value quality>quantity. So my friend circle is minuscule and my lovers are few and far between and I have no interest in breeding pests.