Regardless

I don't know why I'm sending you this because I know you won't reply. To be honest, I have no idea if you even get my texts, but I'm doing it anyway because I'm the type of person to let people know that they're on my mind. 

I just need you to know that I miss you. I have to remind myself every day that you're happier without me, just to keep myself sane and distracted from the million dollar question that still haunts me today: "Why did you have to leave me the way you did?" I don't know if you're actually happy, I just assume and hope for the best because that's what you deserve. 

I heard that you're getting married. I don't know how to feel about that or what to say. I guess I'm just a little upset that you didn't bother telling me yourself. I mean, why couldn't you? Are you really that afraid of me? Are you ashamed of what I think? Are you still confused? Or have we simply just passed the point of no return? 

Regardless, nothing answers if I should congratulate you or pity you. I know you love her, I know you do, but I also know you loved me too-- or at least started to. Don't get me wrong. I want to be happy for you. I really do. It's just-- I don't know how to do that when all I ever wanted was to be your happiness, not be happy for you as I watch you from a distant. I promise I'm trying though. 

We haven't spoken, much less seen each other in over a year, so, I don't know how you feel about me anymore. Do I even exist to you? Or am I just another person you pretend is dead in your head? Do you still have my favorite songs in your playlist? That one song started playing on the radio and reminded me of all the good times we once had. I love those memories, but I'm selfish and greedy when it comes to you. These memories just aren't enough. 

I know you never intended to hurt me. You never knew what the right thing to do was, but that doesn't justify why you left the way you did. You didn't have to do it that way. I deserved a better goodbye. 

This is the part no one ever tells you about: even if you have supposedly let go, if you’re convinced that you’ve fully moved on, there can still be incidents that will feel like a blow to your chest.