The Familiar
And by now, you feel like the whole word is making jokes at your expense. It’s because they’ve all made the same mistake as you. They know what you’re going through, because in the end you went back to what was familiar, to what felt oddly comforting, in a world that frequently changes.
We’ve all been there. You chose what you knew over what could’ve been a fresh start. Something old over something new. So there you are. Back inside that vicious circle that you can’t escape from, no matter how hard you try - or is this what you’re telling yourself? Because at this point I’m starting to wonder: are you even trying at all?
Do you sit up in his bed in the morning and wonder if it would’ve been so bad to fall asleep without his arm curled over your stomach? Do you catch yourself tracing the outlines of his hand on top of yours or do you keep your fingers pressed together to stop yourself from doing so? Do you still hold on to the rare moments that make you think this was a good idea instead of looking at the ones that are screaming at you that it’s not?
Can I be honest with you for a second, like you can only really be with yourself? If it were right for you, if it were good, wouldn’t you be happy? Wouldn’t you feel like you didn’t have to be trying at all? Try to get away. For real. For once. If you feel lost, if you feel sad, if you feel so out of place that it hurts, try and go back once more. And pay attention. At night, his arm draped over your body will feel like a prison. His hand on top of yours will only be there to stop you from waving him goodbye.
The bad moments will become so clear, you won’t understand how you could ever look past them. Something new will always be scary. Something you’re not used to will always feel a little uncomfortable in the beginning. But once you’ve set yourself free, you’ll understand it’s what you were always meant to do. And the familiar will be like an old skin you shed, an old you that you grew out of.
But some people are different. Some people show you things you’ve never seen before, things you’ve never felt before. And everything suddenly makes sense. Everything falls into place. Pieces that once didn’t fit suddenly have the right shape.
You understand that before things just weren’t quite right, that everyone who came and went never treated you like you deserved, never really showed you how much they cared, how much you meant to them, and you thought it was normal. You thought you just had to accept that you were always the one to give, but to never receive anything in turn.
But that’s not true. That’s not true at all. You have to open your eyes. You have to listen to your heart for once, trust your gut feeling and not that stubborn head of yours, and you will find these people. The only difficult thing is to recognise them for what they are and to not send them away because of the doubts you carry in the very depths of your soul, because of the goodbyes you already carry on your tongue. Because you were never one to wear your heart on your sleeve and you don’t think you deserve that kind of love.
But you do. You do, whether it comes in the shape of a friendship for life or in meeting your significant other. Just please don’t give up. Please don’t think that you’ve seen it all when there are people out there dying to be a part of your life. To walk right into it, to make a mess of things and rearrange them in a pattern you never thought possible. Please don’t think you will never find this kind of love. For all you know, it could be waiting right around the corner.