Ways of Life

I remember when I was heartbroken like you. I remember how the waves of missing them was constant and the cruelty of being forced to carry on living despite constant reminders of memories laced with salt invading my gaping wounds. 

I was no longer able to wake bright eyed from slumber because instead I was washed up to shore each morning, spluttering with loneliness; the result of another night spent dreaming of him. I could not tip a spoonful of cornflakes down myself without crying because I was no longer able to share the funny moment with him to brighten his morning. 

I had loved ones I could turn to for support or to share good and bad days with but there was not a single one of them who offered the same unconditional care combined with flirtatious sarcasm. I saw traces of our future all the time; the fact that you had the same car as my neighbour and how our love matched the plot of one of my favourite tv shows. 

I moved away from home so I did not have to see the car each day and stopped watching the show. I learnt to be my own best friend and the richness of relationships with my loved ones grew along with shiny new opportunities yet I was still extremely empty. 

There I was months after us going our separate ways, still mourning in your absence. I was at a loss for the longest time and had accepted the prospect of never being able to get over you resulting in being alone for the rest of time. All through my time of grief, the one and only thing that would comfort me is the idea that you and I were so perfectly matched that it was inevitable we would end up together despite our current status. I convinced myself you were the right person and it was simply the wrong time. 

I look back on this mentality now, since it has been almost three years, and I almost laugh at how naive my young heart was. My current love of two years has taught me that if you and I were meant to be, you would have fought for me as hard as I fought for you and through doing so, you would be beside me right now. If we were right for each other, you would have found a way to me despite the hours of travel instead of making excuses. 

You would have pursued me with all your being and prioritized what we had. These are just some of the selfless things my current love practices on a daily basis. He puts off sleeping by an hour if I have fallen asleep before him, just to give me an extra hour of undisturbed rest until he wakes me through climbing into bed. He makes the effort to talk through things despite how difficult the subjects might be. He has spent countless hours of travel and ridiculous amounts of money on traveling to see me whether it is two days or twelve. He takes my sadness into his arms and cradles it as if his new born child, gently smoothing away the tears and pulling funny faces to make me smile. He is everything I have ever needed but didn’t expect to find after a loss so significant. 

I love him with all my heart- the same way I did with you except he makes it his mission to act upon his love for me. He has never once left me in unchartered waters, wondering if I deserve love. He is there with every wave of challenging water, cheering me on and at times acting as arm bands when I cannot keep myself afloat. 

It all makes sense now, why it never worked with you because when love threw us in the deep end, you ran back to shore and left me to deal with the wreckage. Life is riddled with disaster and I needed someone who wouldn’t abandon me when things got tough. You deserve the same level of everlasting security and love that I eventually found, too and don’t you ever forget it.