Open Letter Series

A collection of open letters to different people. 

To The One That Got Away:

So it’s been months now since you told me you couldn’t do “this” anymore. Months of misery and longing and heartache and remembering every minute detail of everything I was ever blessed to learn about you, share with you, and support you through. We were far from written in the stars, but we were also the brightest light my life had ever experienced. 

You helped remind me that I was something worthy of love and for that I will never forget you, or forgive you. For now that I am apparently not worthy of your love, and its unique ability to calm my restless and stressful mind, I fear I will never truly be happy again. I’ve explored the empty swiping of Tinder, the hollow requests for attention on Bumble, the serious and vulnerable and pleading messages of Match and even found several people to ghost me moments before meeting on Hinge, and yet not once have you not been the only person I wanted to see.

We still occasionally snapchat each other, and for each reply you send I find myself rekindling a flame I know I shouldn’t still tend to in my heart, but I shudder and shiver at the thought of losing the warmth your smile provides me in my soul. The touch of your palm against mine as we drove across the lone star state, finding adventure with every mile has left dents in the fabric of my very being that I am confident no one else will ever be able to iron smooth again, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

In writing this, I know I’m not helping win you back, and I’m almost positive you’ll never read it, but maybe this way, in some small way, you and I can exist forever, as I’d always planned from that very first night when we first shared a blanket and our insecurities. You laid bare your frustrations at never being treated well and I shared with you all the baggage of my divorce and from that moment on I knew I had found someone worth risking everything for. And for you, I did. Truly and wholly I was yours and for over a year you were mine. I was never great at relating to your horse riding and your love for all things animal, and you struggled with accepting a future where you might be a step-parent. An objective view of our relationship would have told me from the beginning what I still can’t accept after its end. 

But to say it was anything but the best love I’ve ever had in my life would be a blatant lie. I hope anyone reading this feels the sparks that flew between us with anyone they ever fall for in the future, and I pray that you feel them everyday for the rest of your life because my heart will always belong solely in your care, whether you want it or not. In loving you I found someone I actually knew with certainty was better than me in every facet of life, and that was the only thing that helped make me want to become a better woman. 

I ate foods I had never tried with you. I let you drive my truck, something I never let anyone do. I rode in yours frequently, making you the only non-family member who had ever driven me anywhere in my life more than once. Though you were younger than me, you taught me more than I would ever be able to teach you and I will forever be grateful for you being the one to take the time to break me down and build me back up repeatedly.

I know you’ll love again. And I am sure I will too. But if our paths ever cross again, I hope it leads me back to you, and you back to me. I need you in my life. In any capacity I’m blessed to have, for all of time. I need food to have taste again. I need words to have meaning again. I need days to actually pass again. I need sleep to be restful again. I need my heart to beat in sync with yours again. I should hate you for how you left things. I should resent you for the timing of it all. I have every right to curse your name and rue the day I promised you all of me in exchange for any of your time. I fell hard, fast, and completely, and I need to recover from finally finding the bottom to be a hard, abrupt end to what always felt like flying to me.

If you ever read this, I’m confident you’ll know it was you, and I hope you read this and remember why we were so happy for so long. I know it wasn’t always easy, but I know I fought for you harder than anyone has ever fought to be with anyone in the history of forever, and I hope in reading this you’ll realize, in spite of all my effort to refrain, I am still fighting for you to this very day. Give up any job to be yours. Give up any hobby or favorite TV show, to be yours.

I’d fight for you forever, against all things, for nothing but the promise of more time snuggled up with you and hearing about your day. For another moment of watching that awful, cheesy soap you loved so much. For another season of the bachelor and countless nights of rubbing your feet with the lotion I found that you claimed to like so much. You and I were never destined to be, and I think that has sunk in to my head, but what I refuse to admit is that you and I were not the best possible intertwining of hearts, bodies, minds and souls. 

Also, if you’re still reading this, I hope I loved you in the way you needed. I hope you left because your future and career made you, and not because I let you down. I hope you felt heard when you brought things to me. I was never as good of a listener as I have always been as a talker, but for you I tried my hardest to love you how you loved me. I hope you never settle for a guy with a 4x4 and a knack for hunting, because you have those yourself and can definitely outshoot and outsmart him anyways. I hope you find someone that makes you see them the way I saw you. My image of you may not always be accurate, but it is always with the best possible lighting, angle, and setting, I assure you. 

Finally, I still love you, if this isn’t clear by now. I hate myself for it, but it’s true. I love who I am when I am in love with you. With you in my heart, I am more calm, more compromising, more peaceful, more compassionate, more open, more brave, more terrified, more excited, more driven, more passionate, more alive. I am happy that I will always have you so fondly and solidly in my heart because all of these things will help make me a better partner for whoever I am destined to end up with, and they deserve the me that you helped me become. 

It is my deepest desire, apart from gaining my heart back from you, that I helped love you in a way that helped you become who you were meant to be, too. They say people don’t really change, but I know in my core that you have indeed changed me for the better, and I hate that I never took the time to say this and make you believe it while we were together because you were without a doubt the most deserving person of praise and gratitude I have yet to know. Whoever you love next, sure as shit better never let you down. I will always regret losing you. But I hope I lost you to a brighter future, filled with the freedom and fullness you always selflessly and effortlessly gave to me. May your dreams become your reality as quickly as possible. In knowing you’re happier without me, I hope I will one day move on in time to find someone new. But if you’re reading this, I hope you change your mind before someone changes mine about you.

Open Letter To My Almost Love:

I still don’t know if I’m angry or sad. Your love left me like a pendulum flowing back and forth between my emotions. 

Angry because you made me question my worth and beauty, when I was once everything you ever wanted then in the blink of an eye she was everything you ever wanted. You told me I was special and I would always be the “one” the one you went back to no matter what. I felt so special. You talked about having kids with me and I seen it I saw you in my future. But now is she the one? Or how about the other girls? I’m sad, sad because of what I still feel could have been, but then I also feel mostly confused...Do you miss me? I hope so because you still follow me on social media. I can't really tell you when we stopped — or even started. I guess at that very moment in my life I needed you. I didn't realize for a long time that you only graced me with your presence to teach me a lesson. A lesson about life. A lesson about love. A lesson about me.

You taught me to be more open. You broke down my walls that I built so high to protect myself. You taught me to go with the flow. You never took life too seriously, at least that's what I noticed from the short period of time we spent together. Was it short? From being kids in middle school to adults... I loved you as a kid even got in my first fight over you. 

You taught me to express feelings. If I feel something, I'm going to say it. If I don't, well, I'm going to have to say that too. You leaving my life has helped me realize all the feelings I buried. It would be nice to go back in time, look you in the eye and tell you how much you mean to me.

It’s time I own up to my fault on where we went wrong I should of realized how lucky I was to have the time I had and I should of loved you while you were mine. But I was numb I was scared to love I was scared that you were gonna leave me like I’ve been left for others my whole life..... and you did but I was partially to blame. I should of loved you more while I had the opportunity.  Needless to say I was sleep walking through my life. I was blissfully content to believe that I was living fully—I made mistakes, stayed out too late, loved the wrong people around me, searched for adventure until my heart was full and I was happy. But never did I love myself.  But you loved everyone who crossed your path with the same energy as you put into us? Was I special? Or maybe you just always gave everyone your everything... 

Now, I want us to be more than we were before. We must've had some sort of connection then. Why can't we pick up where we left off? Why can't you respond to the text I sent you a month ago? I won't take offense, at least I won't tell you I take offense.

In your defense, you had every right to leave me high and dry. I was guarded, wound too tight, indecisive, and I'm just as confused about myself as you are. You have every right to move on. I mean, hello, I gave you zero indication I have a soul. So maybe we shouldn't get back together. You were good for me when I needed you. You gave me a reason to start writing again and I use to love doing that.

Thanks for being there for me then. I really needed you. I hope I taught you something about yourself too. I'm happy you were my "Almost happy ending” 

To The Guy That Made Me Realize I Am Good Enough:

You captured my sight the moment you stepped within my gaze. You were from the moment you entered the room with your oozing confidence, fluent narratives and your ability to enthrall everyone with just a single smile. Sunflowers may bloom in the middle of the field but I'd rather choose a red camellia rarely seen; it was you.  

You stood out from the rest by being yourself. You were an orchestrated mess with a beautiful storm surrounding you. Although chaos was in sight and demands raised for the first time in your school life, you never flinched. In fact, you stood firm.   

I told you once about how I lived up to your standard and how I improved greatly because you were my light, I decided to become your shadow. Instead of being glad, you stared at me with guilty eyes, apologetic that I had to change myself for everyone just for them to like me just like they did you.  You told me how different I was and how that difference made me rare.   

You made me change in a way I never expected before.   I did not change for no one since then, I changed solely for my own being and you were the cause of them all.