Grow

People are like seeds. Throw them out there in an open field. See then which one will tend to adapt the climate, arouse with the kind of soil and grasp to survive, and grow a life.

For us as an individual to grow, we must learn to figure out the real us, who we really are. It is like completing a jigsaw puzzle because before you can complete it, puzzle pieces should be there first, and you’d try to put it on its proper position. But what if the pieces aren’t all there and provided? And so, you must find it first before you could move on to another phase.

In that phase of knowing thyself, weaknesses and strengths must be also recognized. Interests as well as the way we see ourselves does matter, a lot. So, through that, bit by bit we would be one step closer to the path which would lead us to knowing ourselves much more deeply and way beyond the surface of the thing that we could have seen before.

I got to learn that knowing oneself is not that easy as I thought before. I thought that just simply listing the things that I want and don’t, pointing out those people I get along and feel comfortable with, the image I have gotten to see whenever I face a mirror, are already enough for me to know my identity as a well-being. But then, no. Finding the identification of oneself comes up through a process. As the number of our age plus as the time flies by quickly, there are more things adding up to the pile of notes about us. We are learning new things that prove us that we haven’t yet meet who we truly are.

Getting to know ourselves doesn’t only revolved around ‘Me, Myself, and I'. Because there would be definite points in our lives where we will meet someone who might be another part of our flight on landing on the bull’s eye of who we are. That's where the reality pop in. That we certainly need other people in our lives. Not just to simply be our companion through our journey but also as someone who will remind us the side of us which we couldn’t even recognized.

As I have gotten to unfold another set of things about me, I’ve learned to accept and embraced those with all my might and light-feelings. Way back then, I would always turn myself down. Because I thought that I ain’t lovable and deserving to be cared of and loved.

I could still remember some moments which I somehow consider as part of my dark days way back when I was still younger. Whenever our family is attending a family organized gathering, there is just a rare time or slightest chance when I would go home with a genuine grin in my face. Since it has gone usual in our culture that our Titas and Titos will be complimenting us especially when it has been a long time since they have gone to see us, even if it’s good to meet them again, I’ve gone frightened to go and party with them. But I have to and voila, after years of absence they would be showing up saying “Saglit, ito na ba si ano? Parang kailan lang noong tumatakbo ka pa nang walang saplot. Ngayon dalaga/binata ka na.” And this comes the worse part. As the conversation keep going on ‘til it goes to the stage where they will compare you with your siblings and cousins. In that part, amongst me and my siblings, I am the one who has always been defeated since then. In this case, it is so unfair for those haven’t glowed up like me.

It may seem so petty and just a simple thing but for someone like me who wasn’t born to be beautiful in the eye of our society, it has been so difficult. We might say that we are all born beautiful because we are God’s creations but there will always be that point and moment when we’ll just pity ourselves. Questioning why did we come up like this? Who knows that a simple scenario like that could spark up insecurities in oneself? 

Amidst the moments when a glint of self-doubts, discouragements that I’ve received, battles with catching for my parents’ attention, and fired up insecurities are all over my system, I have started to learn to crawl up the wall and show what I’ve got. Instead, I look for the field or area where I will shine. I studied hard and it get on the good track. After lots of sleepless nights of studying, weeping out of some family problems yet keep on slaying, I have received recognitions, medals, and certificates which show that all my hardwork had repay me of an honor and a name to be taken care of. I know that I ain’t born with beauty and wit, but I still tried. 

But... There will always be but’s. I have come up to a realization that I was not actually living up or giving out even a fraction of life for myself. I am living up for the compliments of other people and expectations from the people I love. I have been fighting. I’ve fought but not wholly for myself but for those people who has been mocking me. And I find it ridiculous. Because even if I think about it for many times, I couldn’t still find myself in the formula which will come up with the improvement and my well-being. 

This time, I have finally come up with steps that I have to tackle for me to attain a self-development. First, I should be the one who will be giving first the love and tender affection to myself. I shouldn’t expect to receive the love from other people which I haven’t granted myself to attain in the very beginning. Also, through loving yourself, that’s when you will fully understand how to give out love for others. I think that in some place and ways, the love that you’re trying to offer to others are somehow reflected by the affection you’re relaying on yourself. Next is planting the self-respect in me. By saying that, I should respect myself through trying to assess my greatness and vulnerabilities. Giving myself a moment to breathe from the negativities that are given off by things and people around as well as those I am feeding myself with. Sometimes, I am also the one who’s causing a distress towards myself. And that’s way more frustrating. 

After granting myself a respect that I have should’ve been giving myself since then and taking a break to breathe. I will stop from dragging myself down because that’d also give others the chance to break me more because I myself have been doin’ that. Instead of building myself up, I tend to destruct it into bits. And that’s visibly wrong. Next step is I will try my absolute best to revamp the things about me which I think can inflict worse situations and more problems. Nurture the things about me which I think could be of great help for me to be better. And learn to slowly change my downfalls for the improvement of myself. That’s what we all call ‘change’.  

“Change for the better.” 

In the end, growing is a part of life. But the decision is all up to the person if he’d choose to stay as a seed scattered in the ground 'til it dried up and get rotten without even seeing its essence, without even trying to live up. Or he’d be choosing to survive. Struggle to get a life. Giving himself the radiance of self-love. Curing his thirst with fluid of self-respect. Letting himself to breathe away from the pests of negativities that has been trying to conquer his state of being sane. And letting his nasty flowers of self-pity and dried leaves of characteristics to fall and be replaced by brand new, changed, and nurtured leaves of hope, self-love, and acceptance.

Before, I would say, “You don’t have to change just to be liked or loved by other people. Because there will be someone who will probably love you for who you are.” 

But NO. If toxicity illuminate and radiant from yourself, then kindly spare the people to stay with you and force them to accept you because it’s JUST and already been you since then. Because truth is, people have higher tendency to give up on you than embrace you. 

So, “Change is coming. Change for thyself and not for others. Embrace yourself with positivity and grow in your exact and right ground.”