Trapped In Wonderland

I'm broken, something inside of me is broken. I can't love. The thought of love forms a pit in my stomach. The fear of being in a relationship is there and ever present. I hurt people, and I don't want to hurt anyone else. 

I like you. Much more than a friend. And I cant hold it anymore, I was holding it since october. You know at first I wasn't expecting for it to be this big, I had some crushes and they were like a week long. But not with you, oh no.

I thought I felt you forgetting me; each night you closed your eyes to sleep, I figured you would rise with one less detail about my face or my body memorized. 

I remember it. I remember it all. The first time our eyes met, my world changed. On day one, you told me not to take constructive criticisms seriously and that we don’t deserve anything less. You said you believe in me and that I have talents and potentials or maybe more. Day by day, I felt like a brand new me because I am learning a lot from you.

It's weird, isn't it? How you can fall in love with someone at the most unexpected time and it be the most unexpected person. You can fall in love with someone that isn't your ideal Prince Charming or White Knight. Weird how that is. 

Each day it gets easier without you, Not seeing you or talking. Now I still miss you, Always will. I'll still wanna talk and be friends, But can we after everything? All the late night talks, The smiles and laughs, The kisses like no other, The sex can't compare to another. You'll always have a special spot in my heart.

Your mouth smiles in this way. I can’t describe it. I can’t. Lord knows, I want to, but I can’t. Besides, who would I describe it to anyways?

There are days when I crave someone's hug. And most of the days I crave real happiness and love. I don't know why I feel so empty and blank. And I don't share these to my friends because I know how miniscule and selfish it is.

You share a home with the one whom your soul chose along with your offspring created in the early spring of your young love. Once the morning dew has left, the fog of new love has dicipated and the cool evenings turn to humid nights things begin to change.

Been going through a lot lately. Have had a lot of ups and downs. Through the breakup of a 6 year relationship, lose of friends, bad family news, and general mental health issues - I was feeling really down. But on the bright side, I'm going back to school for my GED and then to become a guard at the prison. I'm going to hopefully get my license back soon as well and get a vehicle of my own. Been working out and doing a lot of self care. My mental health is better and I'm happier than I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have my downs but they aren't like they used to be. I'm not suicidal anymore. I've got an amazing support group of my God like case workers and a few close friends. I've learned to not let people walk over me and treat me like shit. I've learned to not be or tolerate being manipulated or lied to and used.

I'm done with never being good enough. I'm done with getting hurt. I'm done with seeing everyone falling in love happily, but me. I'm done with feeling like the worst. I'm done with crying myself to sleep. I'm done with faking a smile. I'm done with being strong. I'm done with being the ugly friend. I'm done with your mixed signals. I'm done with being good enough to fuck, but not good enough for a relationship. I'm done with falling in love so easily. I'm done with this sadness. I'm done with getting ignored. I'm done with being me. I'm done with this life.  I mean all of this, but I still know nothing will ever change.