Trapped In Wonderland

People come and go as they please. That’s a fact. And that’s why we have doors - so we have a say in who we let in. We should have mental and emotional doors too. Because when something is a fact, and when it plays out, you can’t blame it on people. You can only blame yourself for being ignorant. 

I call myself a writer but all I've ever written were elegies for the love I used to feel for you but died tragically. It died tragically after you left me with open wounds that won't mend; bruised me with words way too abusive, they make me shake uncontrollably even now. 

A normal day. At this point that’s all I crave. I’ll make it special. Let things go back to normal all over. Let me go back to work and meet my friends. Let it rain heavily this year but not as a threat - just friendly teasing. 

I don’t know if I am becoming better, focussing on what’s important in life, or just trying to distract myself from loving you more, I mean I have no idea. 

Over the years, I scattered secrets and parts of me like seeds and waited for them to take root. It wasn't something I did on purpose. It was only when months had passed that I noticed a dozen new flowers fighting their way through the concrete, and I failed to realise they were all mine. 

Your presence was the only constant I’d ever had in life and you know how it goes when we take things for granted. I’d never say I did, because there was never a time when I was not grateful for you. Never a time that I was not happy to have you on my side. 

My world is painted with you. You are my sun and you are my moon. Without you there is no universe, there is no life. You are everything I am afraid to lose. You are my love and my light.

One day, you’ll remember the girl who loved you so much that she forgot to love herself. You’ll remember her when you wake up, when you eat, when you’re about to sleep. She will be your greatest nightmare. You will be the one crying, and she will be the one happy with someone else.        

Never in a million years would I have thought that I’d meet somebody as perfect as you. 

I’m usually so good with words, but falling for you is like having an ocean inside of me but only knowing the language of raindrops. It’s like waking up and falling asleep and wishing your breath was on my cheek. It’s like driving home and craving you so deeply I can hardly breathe without shattering my lungs. 

Singular stars stippled densely over the vast skies of this lonely night in Manchester, the hustle and bustle of the populous attraction points weren’t really my thing, done it, seen it, so there’s no point. Committing to this same routine every night drains me of the sentimentality; but that’s all I have left of myself, and I don’t wanna lose it, it’s a comfort thing, all I’ve ever known. From a personal point of view, there’s something truly enchanting and sophisticated about emptiness, a theory of essentially nothing. Choosing emptiness over depression and his little relics is something I would do any day, just to slip away from the pain.

You‘ll regret it, you know. Not trying harder to make it work. You probably think she didn’t notice, but oh, she did from the very beginning. She picked up on your nervous habits the first time you met. 

I  remember the first time I saw you, it was a hot summer day. The sun was beautiful and bright, but it set more quickly than I realized. I remember your eyes, they were the first thing I noticed. Maybe even the first part of you that I fell for.  In those beautiful orbs I saw universes, possibilities, and a potentially connection. I wondered what your eyes would look like if they truly saw me, but I was shy so I didn’t speak. I remember winter, and the way I shivered before I saw you. You looked different, and I couldn’t help but wonder why. The light was no longer in your eyes. You still smiled when you saw me, but I couldn’t help but notice how quickly you looked away.  I talked this time; I promise myself I would. Words slipped out of my mouth like snowflakes, and melted on your indifferent skin. Stupid. Everything gets colder in the winter, I can’t blame you for being colder too. Next fall I watched the leafs drift away, and I wondered how you were doing. If you were different now