Trapped In Wonderland

We all have our insecurities, parts of us that will always be vulnerable and raw. But those parts, will always be the parts we hide from the world. It could be because you're ashamed of them or because theirs something worth hiding, but you know the real reason? 

I want you to know that writing this letter did not come easily for me. There were parts of my life that I wished you were there, but then I finally understood that growing up without you was the best thing for me. 

“We are who we are” you used to say, as though we were only innocent bystanders. As though we couldn’t help what we’d become. I don’t think it’s enough of a reason and even less of an excuse. I prefer to use ‘what we’ve been through made us who we are today’, though that’s hardly any better. It gives the past too much weight. 

Every time I write about you its like I’m writing about the sun. A source of light, something gentle that makes everything glow with its powerful rays. 

“So,” he smiled, “tell me yours.”  “My what?” She replied.  “You know, your love story, tell me about the guy who made you obsessed with the idea that you’re better off alone.” 

My mother never believed in God. She would always tell me that holiness lay in the mundane, in the most ordinary moments of life; the ones that we don't even register as they pass us by. 

When I was sixteen, I fell in love with the idea of love and this blindly led me to someone who was not even worth a single glance never mind months of my time but he told me all the sweet things I wanted to hear and I stuck around for the false sense of validation. 

I remember when I was heartbroken like you. I remember how the waves of missing them was constant and the cruelty of being forced to carry on living despite constant reminders of memories laced with salt invading my gaping wounds. 

Your relationship with yourself is the only one worth going out of your way to preserve. Because sometimes people tell you they’ll always be there for you and a week later they’re telling you to have a nice life. Then you’ll feel stupid about the time you put their feelings above your own when they don’t care about hurting you at all.

I'd been told I would only get hurt in the end. I'm not an idiot - I'd seen it coming, too. 

He put his arms around her and drew her close, the word goodbye already on his tongue, but not quite out of his mouth. Holding her like this felt natural, like this was exactly how it was supposed to be. 

You were looking a little lost that day. I remember it well: you were sitting by the pool, gazing into the water, with the sun setting to your back. Like it could not bear to see you this uncertain, it sank without warning, painting the sky orange. 

The different ways we deal with pain are fathomless and boundless. 

You thought you were in love back then, didn’t you? You thought it was you and him against the rest, convinced that no one could stop you. 

We'd been dancing around each other for so long that I forgot who made the first move. I don't remember how it started, not exactly. All I know is that one day you showed up and I couldn't imagine my life without you anymore. But we came with an expiration date. Things like this never ended well for me. And though this one had trouble written all over it, I chose to dive right in.

I don't know why I'm sending you this because I know you won't reply. To be honest, I have no idea if you even get my texts, but I'm doing it anyway because I'm the type of person to let people know that they're on my mind. 

A favorite saying of my mother is "we keep a part of every single person we meet". This way we can never forget anyone, not completely. A part of them always stays with us.  

I know we’re over. I know that the day will come when your face will fade from my memory, your fingers will stop touching my hips, and your lips will lift off of my neck and I will forget I ever wanted you to be mine. 

Some lessons I have learned throughout the years dealing with depression, anxiety, and other mental health problems. I hope these small lessons will help you as they have helped me.  If the people you thought you could count on, disappoint you and aren’t there for you through the good and bad, through the easy and hard times, you can say goodbye. Let them leave. Other people will show up. Not everything is how it seems, you never see the full picture. Keep that in mind before judging, because most people don’t share the pain they go through.   You might have built walls to protect yourself, but they can also trap you. Don’t let them keep you from being vulnerable. There is value in being able to be hurt.   Being human means breaking, breaking over and over again. I don’t really know if it ever ends.    When you do break, when you fall apart, let others catch you. Don’t be afraid to trust others. You never have to be alone in your suffering.   Sometimes you will cry alone in your car. I